The Second Coming of Dick
by The Conquerors
Summary: By sheer chance, Naruto is trained by the Chief Warlock of the Brothers of Darkness, Lord of the 13 Hells, etc. Now he shall have vengeance and fun. Rated M for a sadistic undead warlock protagonist and the mass killings of fluffy creatures.
1. Prelude to an Impending Slaughter

**The Conquerors own nothing**

**CONQUERORS Z AND C PRESENT**

**FROM THE DEPTHS OF OUR**

**COMPLETELY INSANE MINDS**

**STARING NARUTO UZUMAKI **

**IN  
><strong>_**THE SECOND COMING OF DICK**_

**(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS HERE)**

* * *

><p>Prologue<p>

Even at night, the village of Konoha, better known as the Village Hidden in the Leaves, or simply the Hidden Leaf Village, was bustling with activity. This may be caused by the fact that the date was October 10th. Some may ask why, and others would answer with happiness.

Many years ago, on October 10th, the Kyuubi no Kitsune attacked the village for no apparent reason. The 4th Hokage, Minato Namikaze, defeated and killed the beast at the cost of his own life.

However, this is not quite true.

You see, no mortal can kill a Tailed Beast. They can only seal them away. THAT is what the 4th did. He sealed the Fox away in a baby. This child's name was Naruto Uzumaki.

Naruto grew up alone and hated. Everyone ignored him, so he sought attention. To this end, he wore bright orange, has blond hair, whisker marks on each cheek, and blue eyes, and had a habit of playing pranks that usually resulted in him being chased around the village by either an angry mob or the ANBU.

If Naruto lived a normal life, he would become a ninja and manage to keep his innocent and naïve nature. This story, however, is definitely NOT about that. You see, the nature of the Multiverse allows for many universes created from chance, choice, or just out of sheer boredom. This story is a prime example of that fact.

This story begins on October 10th, which, as previously stated, is the day the Kyuubi was beaten by the 4th Hokage. Every year, on October 10th, a mob forms to hunt down the "Kyuubi brat" once and for all. The reason is quite simple: People are stupid.

* * *

><p>Young Naruto managed to keep ahead of the mob that was chasing him. Ducking his head, the six-year old focused on getting his legs to move faster. This was complicated by the fact that a kunai knife was embedded in one of his legs, thrown there by a rather idiotic Chunnin with long white hair and two giant shuriken strapped to his back. <strong>(Two guesses who.)<strong>

Looking up, the boy saw that the mob had trapped him in a dead end. Naruto turned around and was pinned to the wall by several angry civilians. He braced himself for the beating.

After 10 minutes, the ANBU showed up to push the mob back. The villagers had torn Naruto up badly. One had attempted to take his eye out, but missed. The result was a nasty cut across his eyebrow. One of his legs was broken, the other was badly bruised. A villager had held a torch to his arm. The result was a badly burned arm. Many of Naruto's ribs were broken as well.

As the ANBU pushed the villagers back. Naruto felt a strange detachment from everything, as if he was watching from afar. Suddenly, the ground underneath him changed into something else. The dirt shimmered like a pool of water, showing a strange place. Looking down, Naruto saw forests, deserts, cities, REALLY weird creatures, and a malicious aura.

The kunai holding Naruto to the wall gave away. He fell into the portal, for that is what it was, by utter chance, a completely random anomaly had opened in the space-time-continuum. The result of this was a portal that allowed for instantaneous transportation across the Multiverse to a random destination.

Young Naruto didn't know, but the world had changed because of this freak occurence. But had it changed for the better or the worse?

I believe it depends on the perspective.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: For all you perverts, the title does not mean what you think it means.<strong>


	2. Training for an Impending Slaughter

WE STILL OWN NOTHING, AND IT MAKES US VERY SAD.

NOW THAT THE DISCLAIMER %^*% IS OVER, LETS START THE STORY.

AGAIN.

SS

Naruto fell.

In case you weren't here for the last chapter, our hero fell through a random fluctuation in not only the Time-Space Continuum, but also the Multiverse itself, as cowardly Wiz(z)ards have often done. (In another time, a cowardly Wiz(z)ard sneezed while running, causing the guards chasing him to catch him and drag him into a new period of untold horror and pain.) However, this is not a story about THEM. This is a story about Naruto (Believe it!).

As he fell, he saw many strange sights pass by him. He saw a glowing eye on top of a tower, a giant turtle with a disc above its back held by four giant elephants, a cowardly boy running with monsters chasing him, a moon-like object _firin' its lazor _at planets, a small dingy in the middle of an ocean (containing a drunk man making obscene hand gestures, his sensible-looking friend, a goat, a trumpet, and a crossbow), someone making an Epic Objection, and many other odd and unusual events. In fact, there were so many it is impossible to list them all.

To pass the time, Naruto tried to keep himself amused. First, he tried playing solitaire, but the cards kept flying away. Then he tried whistling, but he couldn't hear himself. Finally, he tried to sleep. However, that proved to be impossible. As soon as he closed his eyes, he slammed into a rather hard piece of what we refer to as ground.

Naruto, after getting over the initial shock of hitting the ground HARD, rubbed the back of his head and looked around at his surroundings. The sight he saw confounded the little six year old. It was a village not that different than Konoha with a few minor differences.

Firstly it had a strange architecture, not that he noticed this for his attention was more drawn to the flaming, dismembered, or decapitated bodies littered around it. In the middle of this carnage was a pale man with glowing yellow eyes veiled in a black cloak with red trim happily humming something to himself that eerily sounded like something he had heard in the orphanage before he was kicked out.

"_You've nowhere to hide, _

_You've nowhere to run!_

_Your village will burn_

_Like the heart of the Sun!_

_With infinite glee,_

_It's going to be me,_

_That Slaughters the World!"_

The figure continued as thus for a few minutes, killing everything he saw as he sang. Finally, when everyone was dead, the figure turned to leave and saw Naruto, who was standing with an expression of shock.

The man who as mentioned before was slaughtering peasants with infinite glee finally turned around and saw a very scared, and awe-struck blond six year old. Normally he would like to kill innocent and unprotected things but he saw something in the boy. This something was _"Potential."_ What this potential was the man himself didn't quite know. Maybe it was the presence of something strong and demonic him which greatly fascinated him, or that he was just severely bored now that he had nothing to kill. Nonetheless he went over to the boy and decided NOT to kill him. For now.

Naruto at seeing the stranger approach huddled to the ground out of fear as he has done so many times when the villagers attacked him.

The figure paused at his movements. In a deep voice, the black-wearing man said, "Come here, boy."

For some reason, Naruto began walking, slowly closing the distance to between him and the figure. Upon reaching him, the figure guided him to a clearing a short distance away from what WAS a village.

"Now then, lets introduce ourselves. I'll go first. I am RICHARD! Chief Warlock of the Brothers of Darkness, Lord of the 13 Hells, Master of the Bones, Emperor of the Black, Lord of the Undead!" (All of this was said while striking an epic pose with lightning mysteriously appearing in the background, despite the fact it was a bright day with no cloud cover whatsoever.)

In a more normal tone of voice, he said, "And the Mayor of a little village up the coast. It is very scenic during springtime, you really should visit." He handed Naruto a brochure.

Naruto was shocked and slightly confused at his long list of titles. Upon voicing his confusion, Richard simply said, "You earn them based on kills. Now your turn."

Taking a deep breath, Naruto said, "My name is Naruto Uzumaki! Remember that name, 'cause I'm the next Hokage! Believe it!" He then launched into an hour-long explanation of what he was talking about when Richard inquired as to what he meant. Naruto told him about the Old Man, the village, and the ramen he got the other day.

Under his hood, Richard raised what probably was an eyebrow. The boy certainly wasn't afraid to speak his mind, it seemed. He would have to work on his yelling, however. It hurt his ears.

"I have an offer for you, kid." Upon seeing that he had Naruto's full attention, Richard continued. "For the next few years, you shall remain with me and I shall train you in my ways. What say you, boy?"

SS

Deep within Naruto's mind, the Nine-Tailed Fox, aka Kurama, was salivating at the mixture of power and evil that was practically radiating off of Richard. His container simply HAD to accept this offer!

"**Do it, boy! Accept his offer and receive true power!" **Kurama shouted, pushing his chakra into the message so Naruto could hear it. Privately, the demon began to think of the possibilities. **_"With both my power and that of this 'Richard,' my container will be strong enough to beat that Masked Man and allow me to have my revenge!"_**

SS

Back outside, Naruto was thinking hard when he head an almost demonic voice in his head scream, **"Do it, boy! Accept his offer and receive true power!"** He wasn't sure what the voice was, but he had to admit that it had a point. With the power that this man offered, it would be easy for him to become Hokage!

Right?

"I accept, Richard-sensei."

Even though his face was covered, Naruto saw that an evil grin had spread across Richard's face. Suddenly, Naruto became aware that he had just jumped head-first into a crap heap of trouble.

SS

YEAR 1

"Let's lay down some ground rules, boy:

1: No making fun of my name, or else I will burn you into a pile of ash.

2: You do what I say, or else I will gut you like a fish and set your innards on fire.

3: You will not question my methods, or I shall melt your face off.

Any questions?"

"No, Richard-sensei."

SS

YEAR 2

"Do we have any ketchup, Richard-sensei?"

"No, now shut up and eat your baby."

"Yes, Richard-sensei."

SS

YEAR 4

"Today, I shall teach you how to melt faces. To practice, I have gone out and slaughtered an entire village. You will practice on the survivors that I managed to round up. You may use either to techniques I have graciously taught you, or those pitiful excuses that Kurama taught you."

"**LET ME OUT, BOY! I'LL RIP HIM A NEW ONE!"**

"Kurama wants to rip you a new one, Richard-sensei."

"Tell him to get in line. Now get to work!"

"Yes, Richard-sensei!"

SS

"Well, I haven't taught you everything I know for safety reasons, but I think your ready for anything." said Richard as he looked upon his apprentice.

Naruto had ditched the orange jumpsuit he had been wearing and replaced it with a version of Richard's robes. He would look like a mini-me of Richard if only for one thing. Upon receiving his robes, Naruto had customized them slightly. The trim around the edges was no longer red. Instead it was orange. In place of a red crystal on the front of his robes, he had placed an orange gem. Naruto's skin was now white. The veil hid his infamous whisker marks, which had grown thicker darker. His fingers were more claw-like. His hair had been slicked back so the hood would fit properly. His eyes were now a solid blue that glowed slightly.

What was most disturbing (To others. To Richard it was perfectly normal.) was that Naruto had inherited Richard's personality, which included a love of killing things and a love of singing while killing things. This probably came from having Richard's curse placed on him, which made him undead, and receiving guidance from Kurama, who was known for being a bloodthirsty demon.

The end result was an unstoppable killing machine that enjoyed singing. The 11 year old Naruto was ready to take on the world.

While training Naruto, Richard had searched across the land for information on traveling through the Space-Time Continuum and the Multiverse. He did not do so because he wanted to help Naruto return home. He did so because he wanted Naruto to go home and slaughter everyone that pissed him off.

Having found the information he requested (After leaving a trail of destruction from ancient archive to ancient archive until someone found what he desired), Richard was ready to send Naruto to the inevitable slaughter-fest that he called home.

"Thank you for training me, Richard-sensei." said Naruto, bowing low (But remembering to not bow too low. If he did, Richard would take that as an invitation to procure an ax out of nowhere (Also know as Hammerspace) and decapitate him.).

Using his considerable powers, Richard broke through the walls of time and space. Naruto calmly walked through the portal. As he was sucked through the abyss between worlds, he began to hum.

"_La-di-da homicide,_

_La-di-da genocide._

_Let the killing begin!"_

SS

In the night sky above the Hokage Monument, a rift opened. It was invisible to the naked eye, only appearing to those who were practitioners of the magical arts. A figure fell through, landing on top of the head of the Fourth Hokage. Straightening itself, the figure dusted its robes off. With glowing blue eyes, it looked out over the village of Konoha.

Naruto Uzumaki, the Second Coming of Richard, Demon Boy of Konoha, Container of the Nine-Tailed Demon, the Next Hokage, and Co-Owner of a Little Village up the Coast in Another Dimension, was back with a vengeance. Believe it!

**AN: I, Z of the Conquerors, proudly present you, the reader, with the Second chapter of The Second Coming of Dick. We have made numerous references in this chapter. The Conquerors hereby challenge you to identify them all.**


	3. Introductions Abound

**WE OWN NOTHING**

The Second Coming of Dick

Chapter 3: Introductions Abound

SS

Hiruzen Sarutobi, Third Hokage, studied the figure seated before him. It was hard identifying the imposing figure in black and orange robes as the little ramen-loving boy he considered his grandson in all but blood.

"So, when can I be Hokage, old man?"

Of course, somethings never change. Sarutobi sighed.

"Naruto, you can't be Hokage unless you go through the ranks like everybody else."

"Couldn't I just kill you and wear your face as a mask?"

Sarutobi was unpleasantly reminded of another student of his, for some reason. _'Hell, it even sounds like something he would do.'_

SS

Orochimaru sneezed while working on a human corpse. He began cursing his former teacher, certain that it was his fault.

SS

Shaking the thought off, he got back to the matter at hand. "No, Naruto, you can't kill me and wear my face. If you want to be Hokage, you have to become a ninja and join a team."

Under the cloth covering his face, Naruto sighed. "Fine."

SS

Kakashi studied his new team. Sakura Haruno was staring at Sasuke Uchiha, who was studying his new teammate, who was staring off into space.

After receiving a note from the Hokage, he already knew that his sensei's son would different than from what he remembered. However, he didn't realize he would be almost unrecognizable.

At first glance Kakashi hadn't even realized who he was until he got up and followed them out the door to the roof. The warm, orange-wearing boy was gone, replaced by a figure cloaked in black robes and menace. A Konoha headband was being used as a belt. The only thing off about him was the gem fastened to the front of his robes. _'Why would a boy his age willingly wear jewelry?"_ Kakashi thought, then dismissed the thought. _'Probably just one of those weird fashion statements.'_

Sasuke and Sakura had already said their introductions. Naruto had barely reacted at Sakura's, but seemed to nod with approval after Sasuke's. This left Kakashi slightly worried.

"And you?" he asked Naruto.

The figure shifted slightly.

A quiet voice said, "_I am...I am"_

Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke all gathered closer to hear.

"I AM NARUTO!" he yelled, throwing them all back. "SECOND COMING OF RICHARD, DEMON BOY OF KONOHA, CONTAINER OF THE NINE-TAILED DEMON, THE NEXT HOKAGE, BANE OF ALL HE SURVEYS!"

All the while lightning struck the skyline without visible cloud cover.

In a more normal tone of voice, Naruto finished, " And the Co-Owner of a Little Village up the Coast in Another Dimension. It's very scenic during springtime. You really should visit."

At this point, he handed out several brochures. Kakashi didn't even see him pull them out of his pocket.

"Anyways, I like killing things, singing, and killing things while singing. I also like _babies_. My hobbies include killing things and singing, often both at the time."

Sakura was now hiding behind Sasuke, who had started to edge away from his teammate.

"I dislike heroes who are too stuck up in goodness and purity and all that jazz. My dream is to secure Konoha's position as a major village-"

Kakashi, who had been rather tense during his introduction, visibly relaxed. Compared to what else he said, securing Konoha's power seemed rather normal. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

"-by anointing myself as Hokage and massacring every other village in existence."

Kakashi tensed up again. _'I spoke too soon.'_

Steeling himself for a talk with the Hokage later, he quickly wrapped up the introductions. "Alright, we all meet at Training Ground 7 tomorrow morning. Get there at 5:30 and don't eat breakfast. Bye!"

Kakashi disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving his two normal and one homicidal genin in his wake.

SS

That night, there was no sleep to be had for those who lived near the Hokage Tower. Shouts of "WHY THE HELL IS SENSEI'S SON A PSYCOPATH?!" and "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! HE IS A PSYCHOPATH ALREADY AND YOU WANT ME TO MAKE HIM STRONGER!?" echoed throughout the night.

SS

The next day, the soon-to-be Team Seven gathered at the specified training ground for their test. When Kakashi arrived (two hours late) he saw that Sakura was still hiding behind Sasuke, who was watching their third teammate with a calculating expression.

Naruto just sat by himself with an unreadable expression, made even more unreadable by the fact that his face was covered.

After regaining his hearing from Sakura's shout of "YOU'RE LATE!", Kakashi explained the rules and conditions of their test and examined their reactions.

Sakura looked worried, Sasuke was expressionless, and Naruto...

Kakashi blinked. Why was Naruto looking at him like a butcher looks at a cow?

"Is there something on my face, Naruto?" he asked.

Naruto blinked once, then said "Nah, nothings wrong, sensei. I was just wondering how much effort on my part it would take remove your liver and use it as a wallet."

There was a long pause. Kakashi decided that the Hokage was right, and that he should just give him some time.

Or just train it out of him. Whichever one worked.

"Right then, the test begins NOW!" Kakashi shouted.

All three newly promoted genin vanished.

Kakashi smirked. _'And now I play the waiting game...'_ he thought.

It did not take long for the first victim (AKA Naruto) to appear. Kakashi was not quite sure where he came from, but he was suddenly standing about ten feet away. Far away enough to be out of immediate range, but close enough to be attacked.

And certainly close enough to see the glint in his eyes that promised of unspeakable things to come.

Then Naruto vanished again.

Kakashi blinked once, then turned away.

Perhaps he should start with the other two.

Kakashi pulled out his book.

SS

Kakashi was both impressed and disappointed. He was disappointed that Sakura was taken down so easily by a simple Geinjutsu, while Sasuke put up a better fight and surprised him with a Fire Jutsu, yet still ended up dragged neck deep into the earth.

_'Only one left, I suppose.'_ Kakashi thought. He pulled out his book, and began giggling at the content.

That is, he WAS, until a fireball almost took his head off. Ducking, he looked up from his book and saw Naruto calmly standing under a tree.

"I wondered if you would try to get a bell." Kakashi said, while wondering where the fireball came from.

Naruto stepped out of the tree's shade. He seemed to be considering his words.

Finally he settled with, "I wanted to see what you'd do. I wanted to watch your every movement until I fully understood you. Then I would strike, and use my new understanding of you to my own benefit in the goal of brutally murdering you in every conceivable way."

Kakashi was both proud and disappointed. Understanding your enemies movements was a major part of winning any battle, and he was proud that Naruto knew this. He knew though, that Naruto hadn't watched for nearly as long as was necessary to gain complete knowledge of a target's movements. "What changed?" he asked.

Naruto shrugged. "I got bored." he offered.

Kakashi was shocked. What that told him was that Naruto would be next to useless in any stealth operation unless serious training was done. He was removed from his thoughts at the shout.

"ENOUGH TALKING! LETS GET TO THE KILLING!"

That was when Naruto started hurling fireballs without any apparent exhaustion on his part, and Kakashi thought it was a good time to start dodging.

SS

Naruto grinned under his veil.

Kurama was yelling at him to use his chakra, but he quickly shot that down.

_'If I use your power, I would probably kill him so horribly that I wouldn't be able to make a new wallet. And besides, I need him alive if I will become Hokage one day.'_

_**'Fine then, just keep focused.'**_

With that, Naruto turned back to the battle.

SS

Kakashi would probably be having a lot easier time dodging if he had the time to remove headband and use his Sharingan. As it was, he hadn't had the opportunity to reach up to his eye.

Suddenly, his left foot became incredibly cold. Sparing a moment to look down, he was shocked to see his entire foot was encased in ice, which was slowly creeping up his leg. Pulling out a kunai, he quickly used the pommel to smash the ice. However, the ice served its purpose in slowing down Kakashi to the point in which Naruto could close the distance between them.

Naruto lunged with a suddenly clawed hand, which Kakashi twisted around and used the momentum to kick him in the back. He had planned to follow it up with a One Thousand Years of Death, but his plan was stopped by the fact that his kick had absolutely no affect on the pale-skinned blond.

Naruto took advantage of his spontaneous cessation of movement and swept his legs out from under him. Kakashi's back it the ground and knocked the air out of him. However, he had no time to breathe as he had to roll out of the way to avoid being curb-stomped by his potential student. As he regained his breath, he felt his waist and discovered, to his shock, the two bells tied there were still there.

Naruto hadn't even tried to acquire the bells during their battle.

"Surprised the bells are there, sensei?" Naruto called from where he stood.

"A little." Kakashi admitted. From the way his blue eyes moved, he could tell that his opponent was grinning.

"You see, sensei, I don't want our little battle to end yet." he explained. "I'm having far too much fun to stop now!" With that, a bolt of lightning shot down from the sky and slammed into Kakashi. A cloud of smoke and dust filled the clearing. The air was thick with the smell of ozone.

When the cloud cleared, Naruto saw a smoking and blackened log laying where Kakashi was. His completely blue eyes widened as he jumped out of the way of Kakashi's leg. Cracks formed around his foot as it came down.

Kakashi hurled a kunai at Naruto, who dodged and retaliated with a fireball. Twisting his body around under and around it, he discovered that his left leg had been frozen again. This time, it was cold enough to cause him to lose sensation in his left leg. The useless weight of his leg threw him off balance as Naruto charged at him to take advantage.

The only thing that let him avoid Naruto was the years of experience Kakashi had acquired over his years of service. He managed to dodge to the right in time for Naruto to pass by.

He was about to retaliate when the alarm clock rang, signaling the end of the test.

"Well, I guess you fail, Naruto." Kakashi stated as he began shaking feeling back into his leg.

"Don't be so sure about that, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto said as he held up two bells completely identical to the ones on Kakashi's belt..

"What the-" Kakashi started, then stopped when he looked down and saw the two 'bells' burst into smoke. "Ah, I see, you swapped the bells for Shadow Clones when you first knocked me too the ground, then maintained the charade in order to have fun trying to kill me."

Naruto's eyes moved to show his grin. Kakashi's one visible eye moved as well.

He still had misgivings about the behavior of his sensei's son, but he was damned if he would let him get sent back to the academy.

_'But how to pass Sasuke and Sakura?'_ he thought.

SS

"...So I've decided that attempting to make me expend energy to become an easier target for your third teammate counts as teamwork. Congratulations, you passed!"

Kakashi could tell that Sasuke wasn't particularly thrilled at the reason for passing, but decided to let it go.

Sakura was just thrilled that she and her precious Sasuke would be able to continue working.

And Naruto?

Naruto was grinning in a way that bespoke of death.

"But don't let this victory over me make you overconfident. You have a long road ahead of you if you want to succeed in your dreams and ambitions."

That was when Naruto spoke up and Kakashi decided he had a lot of work to do.

"THEN LETS LITTER IT WITH BODIES!"

SS

**AN:  
>The Time is now 4:00 AM, so I, Z of The Conquerors, Order you to Enjoy this Chapter of The Second Coming of Dick.<strong>

**I am now going to Bed, where I will Probably sleep Until 5:30 PM.**

**Thank You.**


	4. On the Road to Bloody Waves

**NOTHING IS OWNED BY THE CONQUERORS**

**IT"S BAAAACCCKK!**

The Second Coming of Dick

Chapter 4: On The Way to Bloody Waves

SS

"This is One-Eye, call in."

"Pink One here, nothing."

"Duck here, I hate you and I've found nothing."

"..."

"Pyro? You there?"

_**'FWOOSH!'**_

"Dammit, Naruto! What did you do?!" Sakura yelled through the headset.

Kakashi swore quietly to himself.

This wasn't going to go over well with the client.

SS

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY?!"

He was right. The client was not happy at all.

"Well, as you can see, ma'am, your cat, Tora, has been mildly scorched as a result of an accident. We found her in a training field near the Forest of Death. I believe that he wandered too close and something attacked him. Don't worry, we will get to the bottom of this mystery quickly." Kakashi said to placate the large woman.

Thanks to all of the years he had spent as a ninja, he had learned how to measure exactly how much the client should know.

"Very well, then! I expect you to act prompt to find out who hurt my precious!" She declared, then left.

There was a short pause to let her get out of auditory range.

"Okay. Now tell me what REALLY happened." said the Hokage.

"Naruto happened." answered Kakashi.

"Ah. Naruto, why did you decide to set the cat that belongs to the Daiymo's wife on fire?"

The boy in question looked up from where he was standing next to his teammates and considered the question for a few seconds.

Finally, he answered.

"It was cute." Naruto said.

"... Okay, then. Team 7 is advised to take a few days off to deal with certain... issues." said Sarutobi.

"As you wish, Lord Hokage." said Kakashi, bowing at the waist.

SS

3 days later, Team 7 was back in the Hokage's Office, looking slightly pale and requesting a C-Rank Mission.

SS

"This is what I get? A scarecrow and three brats?"

That was the voice of their client, Tazuna.

"Sir, I am a jonin of this village. I am highly trained in multiple forms of fighting and death. These are my students, who I have been training. Do you understand what I'm saying?" asked Kakashi.

"Yeah, but I don't see why I should have to put up with three brats who just crawled out of their diapers!" slurred their client, who had clearly been drinking considerably beforehand.

"Huh, that's pretty funny..." said Naruto.

_**'****FWOOSH!****'**_

There was a brief pause.

Then...

"Kakashi-sensei, why are you grabbing my wrists and holding them above my head?"

"Because we talked about this, Naruto. You don't burn our clients. Remember?"

"I was just going to say hi..."

Kakashi looked at him. Naruto sighed.

"...with fire."

"I thought so."

"And lightning."

"Really?"

"And reanimated squirrels."

"Yes, I... what?"

"And cats."

"..."

"On fire."

SS

A now sober Tazuna was escorted through the village gates. He kept casting nervous looks at one of his new guards, specifically the one in the black robes.

That one worried him. A lot.

They had been walking for a few hours when they came under attack. Two masked ninja rose out of a puddle in the road.

What happened was short. And bloody.

SS

Kakashi had expected some of his students to freeze up when the Demon Brothers sliced him into pieces.

One did.

The other two didn't.

As Sakura started screaming, Sasuke rushed forward to engage the enemy. He passed between them and pinned their chain to the ground with a kunai. As they detached their chain, one of them, Gozu, turned around and was charbroiled.

As Meizu screamed and rushed towards Naruto, whose hands were still smoking, Kakashi made himself known and knocked the remaining brother out.

"Kakashi-sensei, that's no fun! We can't hear him scream now!"

Not for the first time, Kakashi wondered at his students mind.

SS

After a sob-story from Tazuna, Kakashi asked his team if they want to continue the mission, despite knowing what was awaiting them. Sasuke agreed to continue, and Sakura followed his lead.

Then he turned to Naruto and asked the same question.

"Depends." The black-robed psychopathic warlock protagonist said, then turned to Tazuna. "How many men does this Gato have, may I ask?"

"About a hundred, at least." Was the answer provided.

For a moment, Kakashi had hope that his sensei's son was actually thinking tactically.

"Excellent, that means I can kill all of them!"

Then Kakashi's hopes were crushed.

SS

After a boat ride, Sasuke threw a kunai at a bush. Naruto quickly followed it, and came out holding a rather scared rabbit. Sakura immediately rushed over and began fussing over it.

"Aw! Look at you! Did the big, nasty Naruto scare you? Don't worry, little guy, I'm gonna-"

**_'FWOOSH_!'**

"Naruto, I don't suppose that rabbit had done a great and irredeemable crime against you, and you were simply taking revenge?" said Kakashi, who was looking over a slightly shell-shocked Sakura, whose face was rather sooty, due to it being less than a foot away from a bunny that had turned into a fireball.

"No." said Naruto. "But it does remind me of the amusing story of the time I stabbed my previous sensei." Then he Looked at Kakashi.

Kakashi, wisely, did not say anything more on the subject.

Then, realizing what the rabbit meant, yelled "GET DOWN!", grabbed Tazuna, who had been watching with a morbid fascination, and dove into the nearest source of cover, which happened to be a bush.

His team followed his lead, and Naruto crouched in time to see the giant sword fly over his head.

SS

The swords owner landed on top of it, and looked at them.

"Ah, Kakashi of the Sharingan. I'd bow, but I'm not stupid." said the huge man.

"Zabuza Momochi, Demon of the Hidden Mist. Why are you here?" asked Kakashi, though he was pretty sure he knew why the A-Rank Rogue Ninja was present. Reaching up, he absent-mindedly pulled a twig out of his hair, focusing on his new opponent.

"I thought you were smart! I'm here for the bridge builder. Now, if you'll stand as-"

**_'FWOOSH_!'**

Zabuza was forced to grab his sword and jump to the side in order to avoid the fireball heading towards him.

_'Holy crap, where did that come from!'_ he thought. Then he saw that the black robed boy's hand was smoking slightly.

_'There's more to him than meets the eye. I'll have to be car-'_

**_'FWOOSH_!'**

SS

After the second _**'FWOOSH**_**!', **Kakashi jumped into battle. His headband was off of his eye, and the famous Sharingan was exposed for all to see. Eyes focused, he headed straight for Zabuza...

...Who, due to his nerves being a little frazzled from dodging two fireballs, proceeded to hit him with an instinctive Water Prison Jutsu.

"Really, Kakashi? After all that I've heard about you, all the stories told around the camp-fire, you go down easily? I'm disappointed." Zabuza said. Keeping one hand up to maintain the jutsu, he pulled out a kunai with the other and let it fly.

Kakashi saw where it was heading.

"NARUTO, LOOK OUT!" he yelled.

SS

Sakura heard her sensei's yell. She saw Naruto turn around in time take the kunai in his forehead.

She screamed.

SS

Kakashi was, for the first time in a while, stunned into silence as his sensei's son toppled over with a knife in his gray matter.

_'Sensei, I've failed you.'_

Then he heard it.

SS

Throughout the now silent battlefield, everyone could hear it. For some, it was like a nightmare, and for others, it was a symbol of hope and happiness.

SS

"I'm no medic, but there appears to be a kunai in my skull." stated Naruto as he got to his feet. Reaching up with one hand, he pulled the blade out of his head to examine it.

It was a basic kunai, now stained with the strange green substance that acted as his blood, which he quickly cleaned off before anyone saw and asked questions.

"Yep, definitely a kunai." Naruto said, before throwing it back at it's owner.

Sakura passed out.

Sasuke was observing him with a keen look on his face.

SS

Zabuza was so shocked that he failed to dodge his own knife, which embedded itself in the arm maintaining his jutsu.

As a result, he lost control of it, freeing the occupant of the Water Prison.

SS

Kakashi was pissed off. He had been stuck inside the Water Prison for about 5 minutes.

One of the traits about this particular version of the technique was that the water it used was cloudy, but only one way.

In other words, Kakashi could see out, but no one could see in. This meant that no one really knew what his status was, or how injured he was.

Generally, when you know that something living is inside a container, but you can't see it, you can assume that it is either going to be alive or dead, but you can't tell until you open it.

However, what most people don't realize, is that there is in fact a third state that the confined being could be, making the duo into a trio of states.

Alive, Dead, or Furious.

Guess which one Kakashi was?

SS

As soon as the Water Prison dropped, Kakashi moved. Instead of dramatically rising out of the water, he pulled out a kunai and stabbed Zabuza in the leg with it. Then he proceeded to kick it.

Zabuza roared in pain and lashed out with his sword, but Kakashi dodged it. He drove his foot into Zabuza's ribs, breaking at least four, then pivoted on his other foot and snap-kicked him in the face.

Zabuza moved with the momentum, and jumped back onto land. Then, leaning against a tree, he began performing hand-seals.

Kakashi landed on the lake and began to perform the same seals.

They completed the technique at the same time. Two Water Dragons formed out of the water and collided, sending up a spray.

SS

To Sasuke, at that point, he wasn't quite sure what happened next. Both combatants started performing the same hand-seals again, but somehow, Kakashi finished first.

A great wave formed, and struck Zabuza, sending him flying through the air to land on the opposite bank.

In a blur, Kakashi was kneeling over him, a kunai ready to strike.

SS

Before he could strike, two needles flew in and were embedded in Zabuza's neck. The Rogue Ninja's eyes widened, then closed.

A figure landed next to the two combatants. The arrival was dressed in the garb of a Hunter Ninja, and wore a mask with the symbol for Kiri engraved on it.

"Thanks for wearing him down for me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to take him on by myself." said the figure in a genderless monotone.

"So you were tracking him?" Kakashi asked after checking his enemy's pulse.

"Yes, for the past several days, but he kept eluding me." the Hunter answered.

"Very well, he's yours." Kakashi said, pulling down his headband as he stepped aside.

The Hunter bent to examine the kill, then grabbed the body and vanished.

This set off alarm bells in Kakashi's head, but before he could act on them, he felt his body start to fall over. Before he hit the ground, someone caught him. His fading vision saw that the one who had grabbed his limp body was Sasuke, judging by the clothing and the duck-style haircut.

As he lost all consciousness, he heard someone.

"Wow, sensei. Tired already? You suck."

Therefore, the last thing Kakashi felt before the black abyss of sleep claimed him was a mild annoyance he felt at his sensei's son.

And the last thing he thought was that when he woke up, his student would be tasting the Thousand Years of Death.

SS

**AN: The Majority of this Chapter was written While in Transit between Maine and Pennsylvania. I, Z of the Conquerors, Declare that Typing in a Moving vehicle is Highly Annoying.**

**Next on the Update List: Who Knows? Because I, Z, certainly Don't.**

**Thank You.**

**N.O. OMAKE!**

Kakashi looked at his new team. A Fangirl, an Emo Avenger, and...

Exactly what happened to him? Were those METAL ARMS coming out of his back?

Anyway...

"You must come at me with the intent to kill if you want to win."

Sakura looked scared, Sasuke looked emo, and Naruto...

Where was Naruto?

"**NARUTO OCTOGONAPUS! BBBBBLLLLAAAARRRGGHHHHH!"**

Behind him.


End file.
